lost and wandering...

a whole generation of lost souls...what are we to do with ourselves?

this morning it was snowing...it was so beautiful. i walked through the empty campus with some nice jazz music playing on my ipod. it felt like for a moment, life was actually peaceful. my thoughts drowned by the snow and the music...amazing.

Playlist: Inger Marie (For You) with Trumpet player Per Willy Aaserud

Pathetic...

It's like mammal all over again.  The only thing I have to say to you is pathetic. Wake up. Jeez how many times do we have to do this?  You'd think by now you'd know better by now. 27 years and still you let your emotions run your life... follow your head woman! Hearts can be broken,  emotions can blind you,  dreams can shatter,  but reality... is something that is always there.

So be practical, be realistic... face your responsibilities and grow up.  No more running away or living in your head. Have faith and believe that you will fail but even when you do you can't just run away.

Endure the pain, it's the only thing that will remind you,  you are human and humans make mistakes. Humans are naturally weak because they care too much. Once you stop caring,  once you just wake up and face reality, a sense of freedom will fill your mind.

Thanksgiving...

• for the courage,
• for the clarity,
• for the strength to do what was necessary to let go

• for the friends,
• for the support,
• for the moments when I had thought I was alone but realized I wasn't

• for the timing,
• for the opportunity,
• for the chance to meet some of the coolest people I'll never forget

• for the distractions,
• for the food,
• for the money and time to see the world while I am young

• for the students,
• for the strangers,
• for the people who have changed my life this year

• for the music,
• for the melodies,
• for the songs that helped me through my loneliness

• for the experiences,
• for the time,
• for the things that have showed me the errors of my ways

• for the understanding,
• for the love,
• for everything that has made me who I am and for everything that continues to challenge me day after day

• for the challenges,
• for the present,
• and for the future...no matter how unclear it may be now.

Beyond my control...

"When you don't take "no" for an answer, there is still a chance you'll get what you want. "

How I wish that the solution was that simple...

I've been very lost and I've been questioning the very fabric of my existence. I'm confused about my future, my heart, and I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I've got things tugging on my heart strings and making me question my own ability and value as a human being. Life has been like a roller coaster  sending me soaring at times and then suddenly dropping me into some dark tunnel of the unknown. Curve balls thrown out of left field and unexpected turns, dead ends, mixed emotions...

The answer was so clear that my mind had to protect itself... I can see the answer but it's too painful so I am just avoiding it.

Dear Universe,

For once in my life, could you answer my cries for help and give me a positive push?

Thanks,
Christine

I remembered this movie...2046 and there were these quotes that made me think about my own life...

"Love is all a matter of timing. 

It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late. 

If I'd lived in another time or place... 

...my story might have had a very different ending. "

Maybe I screwed up my timing a little bit each day like a broken watch. Now I'm like 1 minute off from my original ending. Now I can never get the timing right...and therefore I'll never get anything right. Maybe...it's already beyond my control...

"I slowly began to doubt myself...

So at last, I got it. It's entirely beyond my control. 

The only thing left for me... was to give up."

I'll pack my bags and never look back at the life that I'd worked so hard to build. I'll store away the emotions, I'll box away the friendships, I'll cut the strings that hold my heart here, I'll pack it all up and send them away. Box after box of memories, I'll send them to a different place..so I'll never have to think about the things I left behind.

Fairy Tale Endings...

So yesterday a friend of mine told me a story...it seemed so incredulous it made me laugh. I guess things like this happen in real life as well...I don't know whether to feel better about life or worse about it.

Once upon a time, there was a woman named (for privacy sake I'm gonna change her name) Nutmeg (her real name is similar...) She was a cupcake baker. She made the most amazing cupcakes. From what I've heard, she was one of the sweetest people in the world. Her business was successful and people kept coming back for more. The only problem in her life was that she had settled for a husband she wasn't happy with. In hopes of reviving her marriage, they took a trip to Italy. While she was there, she had a seizure of some sort and the whole trip was a mess. When she came back, she was still feeling sick and her marriage wasn't doing any better. The doctor told her she had salmonella. Somehow within all this mess, she was suddenly divorced and sick. Then one day, she got a call from an old professor for hers that had been in love with her. He had found out about her divorce and wanted to be there for her. He is a rich man with many real estate properties in CA. He offered her a new penthouse in CA by the beach. He even told her she didn't have to live with him, just as long as she would give him a chance by coming out to CA. Now, they're living happily in sunny CA with more money than she could ever imagine. He wants to help her open her own restaurant and they're going to Paris for Christmas. HOW INCREDULOUS IS THAT?! She must be an incredible woman for him to give her everything... I hope that they live happily ever after...just because things like this don't happen often and when they do...the hopeless romantic part of me wants the happily ever after.

nothing like that will ever happen to me, nor do I want it to...however, just one time in my life I wish something would work in my favor exactly like I wanted it to instead of getting thrown off into the deep end.

Gambling

Sometimes you might decide that something is worth the risk...so you throw yourself in front of a bus hoping to survive. Bam... you're hit. When you come to, you realize you're still alive. It hurt like hell but you survived. Then you just dust yourself off and check yourself out of the hospital. Minor scratches, a mild concussion, and slight disorientation. Best not do that again. You think to yourself, you must have been crazy to do that...so you put on some music and lie in bed until your sanity comes back.

Taking Chances...

is it worth the risk?