long way to go...

Was it you
who said that you could never get enough of me?
Did you confess
that when we were alone you had to tell yourself to breathe?
So maybe I should feel a little more like I've been living in a dream.

But I'm asking you,
should I stay?

Even though I love you,
I can't help think about if I'd be better without you.
If we stay together,
It could get worse yet again maybe it could get better.
Even though I love you,
I can't help think about if I'd be better without you.
Something's wrong we both know,
that you and I still got a long way to go.
A long way to go.

If I would leave tomorrow,
You'd be the last to know.

-The Click Five (Long Way to Go)

leaving again...

i think coming back home was a good and bad idea. i think it reminded me of the life i have at home. all the friends and family, and all the people that are here for me. but on the other hand, it is also awful because i have to leave it again. the comfortable feeling at home, being able to speak your native tongue and having people understand you. all the foods available to me and just all around good feeling. i miss the sarcasm and the humor, i miss feeling young and being with my friends. it was so hard to leave this time, but i think it's much harder when you realize you have nothing to go back to. you have a 13 hour flight, a 3 hour bus ride, another taxi ride before you go to your empty apartment in a country you really don't belong in. i don't think i've felt so lonely or sad before. at first korea was an adventure, it was a new land for me to explore, but now...it's just a place i have to be because it's my responsibility to be there. don't get me wrong, i love my kids...i just...hate my life? i don't know...i just find myself feeling really sad and i don't know how to make it stop. i guess i just have to deal with the choices i've made and learn to grow up. even if it hurts.

a break

so for those who actually read this...i'll be back in LA for a week. i'm flying home today, so i should be in town by 6pm tomorrow. WEEEEE!!!! i'm excited. i don't think i've felt this excited to go home...EVER!

an oldie but goodie

the day after my concert...6/1/08

an old post, a life update

If i ever leave this world alive...

an introduction:

for those of you who don't know me, i am a recent graduate from the university of california at berkeley. it's actually not easy to know what you want to do with your life at this age. you may think that a degree from berkeley can land you any job you want, it is the biggest lie they tell you. with an education like this, you do not have many options in terms of the amount of useful knowledge you have. this type of higher education will only lead you to academia or more school. you cannot finish with a bachelors, you have to get a masters, a phd. it never ends. however, if you do decide to put your education on hold and don't mind not living expensively then i suggest you figure out yourself. and what i mean by that is...live your life. travel the world while you are young, see the things you want to see, do the things you want to do. because once you get a career, it'll be hard to leave.

as hard as it was to leave my friends and family, i think that the decision i made was a good one. it was my first christmas away from home and the first birthday without my friends. as time passes, things get easier to deal with and i realize that this is only part of the growing up process. currently i am living in south korea. i live in a very small city where a cab fare from one side of town to the other will only cost you about $3. the small kids can walk by themselves on the street without the fear of being kidnapped. kids are not kids, they do not play outside, they study from morning till night. one of their stops in the day is my classroom. i am an english teacher in wonju, south korea. my kids are amazing and they make every day bearable. i think by the end of this year, i'll have learned more from them about myself then i ever could have by myself. (January 8th, 2008)

what you thought you need...

an update:
6 months have passed since i wrote this post. so many things have happened since that post. i think that i was starting to lose sight of why i came here in the first place. i was starting to lose myself. many times i find myself asking who i am now. first and foremost i am an english teacher here, i am here to enrich these kids lives. these are the lives i'm supposed to be changing and the lives i should be worried about. i lost my head because it gets really lonely and boring out here. i have friends, but it is just not the same. i am the outsider, the foreigner that will never fit in. i am the guest star in their life that will leave and become nothing but a faded memory. the people you meet here...they see your relationships like dairy products, with an expiration date. i guess when i started living here, i only saw life like a dying cancer patient. i only thought of this time as a time to live life to it's fullest because i would be gone in a year. now i realize there are many things i need to just let go and many people i need to forget about.

i started kumdo class and i quit guitar but i still enjoy playing. i love when i learn something new, and i love watching people play. i just wish there was some way to turn back time and erase all the bad things that had happened but that's just wishful thinking. now all i can do is make the best of my time here. get a yellow belt in kumdo? and try to help my kids learn as much as they can and have as much fun with me so that i've at least positively influenced at least one person's life. also so i can find some meaning in my life. (July 7th, 2008)