Goodbye Korea

I can't believe I'm writing this post but this will probably be the final post in Korea. I'm going home today. Thanks for all the laughs, the tears, the great people, the amazing students, the funny coworkers and everything in between. I am a different person than when I came...and for that I am grateful.

Signing off,

Christine

Takeoffs and Landings

I bought my plane ticket home today. March 12th. I'm not sure really how to feel except maybe relieved? What a great decision to make on this Chinese New Year. It's gonna be a great year seeing as I finally had the guts to actually go through with it. I have a million thoughts and worries but I can't seem to put them into words right now.

Happy New Year! (the rest of the thoughts to come soon)

It's been awesome...5 years in Wonju

5 years ago today I came to Korea. I remember getting off the plane all bundled up because this California girl was coming to a place where the temperature actually drops below freezing. I remember wearing 4 layers of clothing and still feeling frozen. I remember getting off the bus in Oosan dong where the old intercity bus terminal was located 5 years ago. I remember not knowing any Korean, not having a phone and feeling lost and helpless because my boss couldn't find me. I was 21 years old. Fresh out of college with all my belongings packed away in a suitcase that could have fit me inside of it. Oh that..and my guitar. I stood there being bombarded by Korean taxi drivers trying to find out where I was going. I remember them trying to help me by calling some taxi driver's daughter who spoke a little bit of English. Finally when my boss found me, it was the biggest relief of my life. I thought I was abandoned after flying 12 hours to a place where nobody knew me.

Now, 5 years later, 5 years older, with a firm grasp of the language and some of the coolest friends I've ever, and will ever meet. I am grateful for this amazing experience that has taught me about life, responsibilities, growing up, love, friendship, work, politics, the world and most importantly myself. I feel like this experience has enriched my life and although I am still a little lost about my future, I am more sure of who I am as a person and the kind of person I want to continue to be. Korea...you have been a blessing, never to be forgotten. I am glad I came here even after EVERYTHING that has happened. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have gotten to meet the friends that I did, taught the students that changed my life, learned Korean, broken a little out of my shell/comfort zone, fallen in and out of love, questioned my life, questioned myself as a person, and gotten more comfortable with myself. I've done so many things that I never would have had the chance to do if I were in America, so for that...I give you a piece of my heart. It will remain here forever with the memories that I've made and in exchange I will take the lessons you taught me and carry it with me for as long as I live.

Good night Wonju. Thanks for everything. It's been an amazing five years we've spent together. Happy 5 year Anniversary.

All that Jazz...

Inger Marie Gundersen played in Hyundai Department store Apgujeong Branch a few weeks ago. It was an amazing show. I was lucky to have seen it. I'd never heard of her before that night. A friend of mine works as a sound engineer there and invited me. It was so good! I hadn't felt that kind of excitement about music in so long. I especially liked the trumpet player. He was incredible! I love closing my eyes and letting the music flow into my brain. It brings a peacefulness like the first snow covering the ground. I was also lucky enough to ride with them on the subway to Hongdae. It was a great experience and I'm grateful for the opportunity to see such amazing musicians.

Like an open book...

Everyone can see right through me...I must be strong. I will have the faith and will power to overcome anything. I have the faith and will power to overcome myself.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess..."

"Cause I need this now more than I ever did."

"There is so much I felt I should say. Even if your heart would listen I doubt I could explain."

"Should have never started. Ain't that the way it always ends."

-If you don't, don't

lost and wandering...

a whole generation of lost souls...what are we to do with ourselves?

this morning it was snowing...it was so beautiful. i walked through the empty campus with some nice jazz music playing on my ipod. it felt like for a moment, life was actually peaceful. my thoughts drowned by the snow and the music...amazing.

Playlist: Inger Marie (For You) with Trumpet player Per Willy Aaserud

Pathetic...

It's like mammal all over again.  The only thing I have to say to you is pathetic. Wake up. Jeez how many times do we have to do this?  You'd think by now you'd know better by now. 27 years and still you let your emotions run your life... follow your head woman! Hearts can be broken,  emotions can blind you,  dreams can shatter,  but reality... is something that is always there.

So be practical, be realistic... face your responsibilities and grow up.  No more running away or living in your head. Have faith and believe that you will fail but even when you do you can't just run away.

Endure the pain, it's the only thing that will remind you,  you are human and humans make mistakes. Humans are naturally weak because they care too much. Once you stop caring,  once you just wake up and face reality, a sense of freedom will fill your mind.

Thanksgiving...

• for the courage,
• for the clarity,
• for the strength to do what was necessary to let go

• for the friends,
• for the support,
• for the moments when I had thought I was alone but realized I wasn't

• for the timing,
• for the opportunity,
• for the chance to meet some of the coolest people I'll never forget

• for the distractions,
• for the food,
• for the money and time to see the world while I am young

• for the students,
• for the strangers,
• for the people who have changed my life this year

• for the music,
• for the melodies,
• for the songs that helped me through my loneliness

• for the experiences,
• for the time,
• for the things that have showed me the errors of my ways

• for the understanding,
• for the love,
• for everything that has made me who I am and for everything that continues to challenge me day after day

• for the challenges,
• for the present,
• and for the future...no matter how unclear it may be now.

Beyond my control...

"When you don't take "no" for an answer, there is still a chance you'll get what you want. "

How I wish that the solution was that simple...

I've been very lost and I've been questioning the very fabric of my existence. I'm confused about my future, my heart, and I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I've got things tugging on my heart strings and making me question my own ability and value as a human being. Life has been like a roller coaster  sending me soaring at times and then suddenly dropping me into some dark tunnel of the unknown. Curve balls thrown out of left field and unexpected turns, dead ends, mixed emotions...

The answer was so clear that my mind had to protect itself... I can see the answer but it's too painful so I am just avoiding it.

Dear Universe,

For once in my life, could you answer my cries for help and give me a positive push?

Thanks,
Christine

I remembered this movie...2046 and there were these quotes that made me think about my own life...

"Love is all a matter of timing. 

It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late. 

If I'd lived in another time or place... 

...my story might have had a very different ending. "

Maybe I screwed up my timing a little bit each day like a broken watch. Now I'm like 1 minute off from my original ending. Now I can never get the timing right...and therefore I'll never get anything right. Maybe...it's already beyond my control...

"I slowly began to doubt myself...

So at last, I got it. It's entirely beyond my control. 

The only thing left for me... was to give up."

I'll pack my bags and never look back at the life that I'd worked so hard to build. I'll store away the emotions, I'll box away the friendships, I'll cut the strings that hold my heart here, I'll pack it all up and send them away. Box after box of memories, I'll send them to a different place..so I'll never have to think about the things I left behind.

Fairy Tale Endings...

So yesterday a friend of mine told me a story...it seemed so incredulous it made me laugh. I guess things like this happen in real life as well...I don't know whether to feel better about life or worse about it.

Once upon a time, there was a woman named (for privacy sake I'm gonna change her name) Nutmeg (her real name is similar...) She was a cupcake baker. She made the most amazing cupcakes. From what I've heard, she was one of the sweetest people in the world. Her business was successful and people kept coming back for more. The only problem in her life was that she had settled for a husband she wasn't happy with. In hopes of reviving her marriage, they took a trip to Italy. While she was there, she had a seizure of some sort and the whole trip was a mess. When she came back, she was still feeling sick and her marriage wasn't doing any better. The doctor told her she had salmonella. Somehow within all this mess, she was suddenly divorced and sick. Then one day, she got a call from an old professor for hers that had been in love with her. He had found out about her divorce and wanted to be there for her. He is a rich man with many real estate properties in CA. He offered her a new penthouse in CA by the beach. He even told her she didn't have to live with him, just as long as she would give him a chance by coming out to CA. Now, they're living happily in sunny CA with more money than she could ever imagine. He wants to help her open her own restaurant and they're going to Paris for Christmas. HOW INCREDULOUS IS THAT?! She must be an incredible woman for him to give her everything... I hope that they live happily ever after...just because things like this don't happen often and when they do...the hopeless romantic part of me wants the happily ever after.

nothing like that will ever happen to me, nor do I want it to...however, just one time in my life I wish something would work in my favor exactly like I wanted it to instead of getting thrown off into the deep end.

Gambling

Sometimes you might decide that something is worth the risk...so you throw yourself in front of a bus hoping to survive. Bam... you're hit. When you come to, you realize you're still alive. It hurt like hell but you survived. Then you just dust yourself off and check yourself out of the hospital. Minor scratches, a mild concussion, and slight disorientation. Best not do that again. You think to yourself, you must have been crazy to do that...so you put on some music and lie in bed until your sanity comes back.

Taking Chances...

is it worth the risk?

This is MY life.

“This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often. If you don’t like something, change it. If you don’t like your job, quit. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once; seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating. Live your dream, and wear your passion. Life is short.”
-Holstee Manifesto

I'm beginning to realize that my life is mine for the taking. I refuse to lose to the dark side. I believe that if I try hard to do my best in everything that I do, eventually I'll be living my way into some sort of success. Although I am lost about my future plans, I know that my immediate future will consist of trying to do as many good things in my power. Even if something may seem as small as giving up my seat on the bus to helping students find their passions in life. I honestly do believe that life is about the people you meet because if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have lasted through these last few months of rapid change. I was able to find more of myself and realize what I wanted in life when I met people who shared their passions with me. I am grateful for everything that has happened. From the moment I realized my mistake, to the decision I made to go home. I'm even grateful that I lost my wallet when I did because it made me rethink the way the universe helps you grow along the way.


I am happy to have met the people I have along the way. I will be so sad to leave them, but it won't be goodbye this time. It'll be see you later because I know that I will make an effort to include them in my life and hope that they will include me in theirs. I missed spending hours just talking about the future, thoughts on life and discussing life in general. However I was recently reminded that these kind of conversations can still exist. This has led me to decide that the next 3 months of my life here in Korea will be working on improving myself as a person. I'd like to see everything more positively and through helping others, letting them help me. I'm going to live my dreams and enjoy everything that life has to offer whether it be positive or negative. You can't grow without making mistakes and you can't realize happiness unless you've suffered. I should be grateful I was born into opportunity. I was lucky enough to have been born into a family that valued education and given the opportunity to think about life. Some people don't get the chance to sit around and ponder because they're too busy trying to make money to survive. I'm just gonna seize the moment and I'm gonna pay it forward, live positively and be inspired by the people in my life.

LIFE IS SHORT.

Life Experiences in Korea

I'm about two months away from hitting my 5th year mark in Korea. While I was here, I met many people from around the world. I've met more people here in the last five years than I'd ever met back home in the States. I've met Europeans, Taiwanese, Canadians, South Africans and other travelers or expats that enjoy being some place other than their home country. I also got to meet some of the coolest Koreans that helped shape and change my life along the way. It has to be the greatest and worst years of my life. I've finally made the decision to leave this place in January once my contract is up because as much as I have grown up in this country, I've grown out of this country. I enjoy the comforts of life here, but I realize there has to be more to this life than this. I'm going to do some traveling and more soul searching before I go back to school.

The next chapters of my life, including the rest of my chapter in Korea I hope will be filled with great experiences, more amazing people and  lots more blogging. I have my Europe trip to blog about from the summer as well as my fall trip to Taiwan. I think the winter will be spent in Thailand doing some Muay Thai training.  My weekends are spent in Seoul doing research and guest blogging for my guesthouse in Hongdae so if you ever wanna hang out, meet up, chat about life in Korea...hit me up. Send me an email or a comment. I love to meet new people!

Becoming Superhuman

I just started reading The 4-Hour Body. Granted it is geared towards men, I think if I follow the rules I might be able to get results as well.

5 rules:

RULE 1: AVOID "WHITE" CARBOHYDRATES.

RULE 2: EAT THE SAME FEW MEALS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

RULE 3: DON'T DRINK CALORIES.

RULE 4: DON'T EAT FRUIT.

RULE 5: TAKE ONE DAY OFF PER WEEK.

Wish me luck. This started yesterday. It will continue until I go to Taiwan (which is my break from reality) and then continue when I get back to Korea. 

Cardio Health

Carrot and apple juice. Tastes great! Oh and I just realized I can create my own salads at this place in Shinsegae. It's great! I got chicken, chick peas, sundried tomatoes, cucumbers and a hard boiled egg on a bed of spinach. AMAZING! I'm gonna pick another one up tomorrow on my way home ^^

I just realized that I'm in much better shape that I was like a month ago. I ran 5km easily today and I didn't feel it in my muscles nor was I even short of breath. I didn't really feel like I'd worked out but it was a strange feeling. I hate running so it was very good to not feel like I was actually working too hard on it. My wrist is acting up a little bit. I don't know what's wrong with it so I don't know how I'm going to be able to train at kickboxing this week. Wish me luck...maybe it's mental. Maybe my stress is acting up in a physical way. Regardless...it still feels disgusting like someone overstretched something in it.

This was my lunch today...I didn't eat the potatoes or the rice. The pumpkin was really good...I gave the one drenched in sauce away :P The grilled chicken was good too. It was spicy so it made me feel full. 

Emotional Breakdown

I moved into my new place and moved all my things and memories out. It was very emotional...so I broke my cleanse. I'm just trying to eat healthy now. I'm back on caffeine. To celebrate I drank a double shot Americano. ^^

I had a Salmon and asparagus salad for lunch. It was really good! Next time I have an emotional breakdown, I need to hide all the chocolate in the house.

Almost halfway there Day 13

I'm suffering some weakness today. I really wanted to eat something that wasn't part of the cleanse. I fought it off by eating a handful of blueberries. I had a pretty emotional day today. I had to see the ex and go to the office and turn in the papers. They gave us a date...Monday 10/15.

I think my emotional state had something to do with the weakness I felt with wanting to shove a bunch of chocolate in my mouth. I swear to you I feel like a completely different person. In about 5 months I managed to change my mind a million times, spiral into the depths of emotional hell and slowly climb back up. It reminds me of that wall in the latest Batman movie that he had to climb in order to get out. I don't think I'm quite out yet, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely I am resurfacing, hopefully as a better person. When I walk around town I feel like there are so many emotional land mines. I'm just really careful not to step in them. Now I'm moving across town on Sunday, hopefully it'll be a lot easier after that. I feel emotionally numb, I think there are just too many things to think about and so I don't remember how to feel anymore.

Will I ever get into another relationship? Find another job? Start another life? Get through this month without slipping back into the pits? I hope so because I'm going to be strong. Today when the man at the office looked me in the eyes and asked me, "Is this what you really want?" I said yes and will always say yes. I still stand by the fact that this is the best decision I've ever made in my life. When I looked at him today, it felt like we were strangers. A face that used to be so familiar to me, looked so different...like someone I'd seen for the first time and not someone I'd wanted to start a life together with. I guess people change, some just a little faster than others...

Wish me luck...I'm gonna need a lot of it.

aren't we so cute?

Sometimes I wish I was pretty instead of cute. Being cute just means people want to pinch your cheeks and mess with your hair or something. >.<

Overwhelmed

I went biking for about 3 hours yesterday. I rode across my city along the river. It was a lot of fun. My legs were sore yesterday, but they're ok for now. I've been extremely stressed with my life situation right now. I'm packing up my stuff bit by bit getting ready to move. I have my papers to file on Wednesday. I have a coworker who hates me for no real reason and I have to go to Seoul every weekend (not for fun, but for work). I have new classes with brand new students whose names I really want to remember and a 3 hour advanced English conversation class that I have to do all the prep work for.

I'm not complaining....I just wish that things would go smoothly and that this rough patch will quickly end. I know making lists helps so here goes...

Ridiculous list on things on my mind:

*Pack/Move (Sunday)
*File Papers (Tuesday)
*Seoul (Thursday for a bike ride with Man Yi along Han River)
*Seoul (Friday, Superstar Halla)
*Seoul/Ilsan (Every Sunday this month)
*Man Yi's Going away (Saturday)
*Seoul (9/24, 9/25) Don't need to translate in front of 5000 people, just gotta do the backstage stuff
*Memorize student names and make lesson plans for regular class
*Detox (Mind over matter...when I am finished, I will be stronger than before. Day 11, almost halfway there)
*Coffee (Something that shouldn't be on my mind, but because I'm emotionally in that state...it is)
*Court Date (Got the date...10/15 2:45PM)
*Kickboxing (Every day)
*Peter (an old friend who's hitting his own rough patch)
*Figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.
*Five year plan? I don't have one any more. Things never turn out the way I plan anyway.
*Money (I don't have any left...should I teach private lessons?)
*Visa (Will I get to stay till the end of my contract?)
*Make lesson plans for Advanced English Class

*Try not to let life overwhelm me